ESSAY NO. 1 | I Do Not Want to Become My Best Self

There is always another version of me waiting somewhere in the distance. She wakes earlier. She drinks more water. She exercises consistently, answers messages on time, reads instead of scrolling, finishes everything she starts and has somehow developed the sort of morning routine that requires both a journal and an aesthetically pleasing glass of lemon water. She is emotionally regulated but never emotionally unavailable. She has boundaries without becoming difficult, ambition without becoming exhausted and confidence without ever appearing arrogant. She is financially responsible, physically healthy, intellectually curious, spiritually grounded and apparently capable of keeping every drawer in her house organized. I have spent an unreasonable amount of my adult life trying to catch this woman. Increasingly, however, I find myself wondering whether I actually want to.